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Quietly Judging You Since You Pulled Up Unisex T-Shirt

Quietly Judging You Since You Pulled Up Unisex T-Shirt

Color: Black
Size
$34.95
$49.95 $34.95
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🐔 Buy 2, save 10% automatically. Mix and match any shirts.
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🪑 I've Been Quietly Judging You Since You Pulled Up.

The porch sees everything. It saw how you took that turn into the driveway. It saw the state of your vehicle. It noted the time. It has formed several opinions and it is keeping every single one of them to itself — for now.

The rocking chairs don't even need to be occupied to do their work. That's the thing about a country porch. It's been evaluating your life choices since before you put it in park, and it will continue to do so, gently, the entire time you're here.

This shirt is for the porch-sitters and the people-watchers — homesteaders, country folks, and anyone who's perfected the art of saying "well, look who it is" with nothing but a slow rock and a long sip of coffee.

Premium garment-dyed Comfort Colors cotton — soft from day one, softer with every wash. Heritage illustration printed in the USA. The kind of shirt that earns a knowing look from someone who's done some quiet judging of their own.

Member since it got out of hand. 🐔

Product Details

  • 100% ring-spun cotton
  • Fabric weight: 6.1 oz/yd² (206.8 g/m²) — heavyweight, structured
  • Garment-dyed for that lived-in feel
  • Relaxed unisex fit, runs true to size
  • 7/8″ double-needle topstitched collar
  • Twill-taped neck and shoulders for durability
  • Double-needle armhole, sleeve, and bottom hems
  • Blank product sourced from Honduras

Washing Instructions: How to Not Ruin Your New Favorite Shirt

  • Cold water only (the porch is judging your water temperature too)
  • Turn inside out before washing (the graphic deserves protection)
  • Use a gentle detergent — this garment-dyed cotton is easygoing, keep it that way
  • First wash may bleed a little, so separate it from anything precious
  • Tumble dry low or hang dry (hang drying = more time on the porch)

Shipping & Returns

Free shipping on orders over $85. Orders ship within 5-7 business days. Made-to-order, so returns are accepted for defective or damaged items only — see our full refund policy for details.

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YEAH, WE'RE A CHICKEN BRAND. WITH STANDARDS. SEE WHAT WE MEAN BELOW.

What you're actually getting

Soft, durable cotton tees that get better with every wash. Not another scratchy polyester blend that dies before molting season.

Questions about our society?

Where are you located?

The Chicken Math Society is a US-based company. We print our shirts right here in the USA, like every chicken-loving small business should.

Will I get a tracking number for my order?

Yes — once your order ships, you'll get a tracking email so you can follow your package on its way to the coop. Track it obsessively or forget about it completely. Both are valid.

What size would fit me best?

We know sizing can be tricky, especially in a unisex tee. Every product page has a size chart — and if you're still unsure, just email us at chickenmathsociety@gmail.com. Real humans, real answers.

What materials are your products made of?

Premium 100% ring-spun garment-dyed cotton (Comfort Colors®). Soft from day one, softer after every wash, built to outlast your next coop expansion.

Do you actually keep chickens?

Yes. Too many. We're aware.

What if I'm not a chicken keeper but I think this is funny?

Honorary membership granted upon checkout. We don't gatekeep.

Do you offer wholesale or bulk discounts?

For coop tours, chicken Facebook groups, or your fellow members — yes. Email us at chickenmathsociety@gmail.com.

Why is your free shipping threshold $85 instead of $50?

Because shipping isn't free for us either. $85 covers two tees and gets your gift-buying done in one shot.

What's "chicken math"?

The inexplicable phenomenon by which a backyard chicken keeper begins with three hens and ends the season with seventeen, two ducks, and a coop addition. We named the brand after it.

Comfort for the slow-and-steady

Whether you're collecting eggs at sunrise or watching the flock at sunset, our tees are designed for chicken people who value quality, comfort, and a little dry humor. Join The Chicken Math Society and wear something that fits the life you've actually built.

Customer service that doesn't ghost

Got a question or need help? Real humans are here to make sure you have the best experience — like a trusted coop neighbor who actually picks up the phone.