1 1

Professional Escape Artist Goat Unisex T-Shirt

Professional Escape Artist Goat Unisex T-Shirt

Color: Moss
Size
$34.95
$49.95 $34.95
Sale Sold out
Shipping calculated at checkout.

🐔 Buy 2, save 10% automatically. Mix and match any shirts.
  • Premium Tees
  • Free Returns
  • Fast Shipping

🐐 Professional Escape Artist. The Fence Was A Suggestion.

To the goat, fences are an interesting design challenge. A puzzle, really. Something to study, work out, dismantle, and then casually walk through like it was never there in the first place. He has nothing against the fence personally. He just doesn't take it seriously.

You put in new boards. He notices. You add a top rail. He notices that too. You watch him for a full afternoon and he doesn't even glance at the fence. The minute you turn your back, he's in the garden again, eating something he shouldn't.

This shirt is for the goat keepers — homesteaders, hobby farmers, and anyone who's officially accepted that the goat will always win. The fence was a suggestion. The goat has reviewed the suggestion. The goat has chosen otherwise.

Premium garment-dyed Comfort Colors cotton — soft from day one, softer with every wash. Heritage illustration printed in the USA. The kind of shirt that earns a knowing laugh from anyone whose goat has also, repeatedly, made it clear who's in charge of perimeter security.

Member since it got out of hand. 🐔

Product Details

  • 100% ring-spun cotton
  • Fabric weight: 6.1 oz/yd² (206.8 g/m²) — heavyweight, structured
  • Garment-dyed for that lived-in feel
  • Relaxed unisex fit, runs true to size
  • 7/8″ double-needle topstitched collar
  • Twill-taped neck and shoulders for durability
  • Double-needle armhole, sleeve, and bottom hems
  • Blank product sourced from Honduras

Washing Instructions: How to Not Ruin Your New Favorite Shirt

  • Cold water only (he's already escaped enough things today)
  • Turn inside out before washing (the graphic deserves protection)
  • Use a gentle detergent — this garment-dyed cotton is easygoing, keep it that way
  • First wash may bleed a little, so separate it from anything precious
  • Tumble dry low or hang dry (hang drying = harder for the goat to grab)

Shipping & Returns

Orders ship within 5-7 business days. Made-to-order, so returns are accepted for defective or damaged items only — see our full refund policy for details.

View full details

YEAH, WE'RE A CHICKEN BRAND. WITH STANDARDS. SEE WHAT WE MEAN BELOW.

What you're actually getting

Soft, durable cotton tees that get better with every wash. Not another scratchy polyester blend that dies before molting season.

Questions about our society?

Where are you located?

The Chicken Math Society is a US-based company. We print our shirts right here in the USA, like every chicken-loving small business should.

Will I get a tracking number for my order?

Yes — once your order ships, you'll get a tracking email so you can follow your package on its way to the coop. Track it obsessively or forget about it completely. Both are valid.

What size would fit me best?

We know sizing can be tricky, especially in a unisex tee. Every product page has a size chart — and if you're still unsure, just email us at chickenmathsociety@gmail.com. Real humans, real answers.

What materials are your products made of?

Premium 100% ring-spun garment-dyed cotton (Comfort Colors®). Soft from day one, softer after every wash, built to outlast your next coop expansion.

Do you actually keep chickens?

Yes. Too many. We're aware.

What if I'm not a chicken keeper but I think this is funny?

Honorary membership granted upon checkout. We don't gatekeep.

Do you offer wholesale or bulk discounts?

For coop tours, chicken Facebook groups, or your fellow members — yes. Email us at chickenmathsociety@gmail.com.

Why is your free shipping threshold $85 instead of $50?

Because shipping isn't free for us either. $85 covers two tees and gets your gift-buying done in one shot.

What's "chicken math"?

The inexplicable phenomenon by which a backyard chicken keeper begins with three hens and ends the season with seventeen, two ducks, and a coop addition. We named the brand after it.

Comfort for the slow-and-steady

Whether you're collecting eggs at sunrise or watching the flock at sunset, our tees are designed for chicken people who value quality, comfort, and a little dry humor. Join The Chicken Math Society and wear something that fits the life you've actually built.

Customer service that doesn't ghost

Got a question or need help? Real humans are here to make sure you have the best experience — like a trusted coop neighbor who actually picks up the phone.